Past reflections and Present Challenges

Well Uruguay was a blast. I cannot upload pictures at the moment, but I will post some as soon as possible. Sadly, the pictures I had taken at the beach were deleted but I do have a few from Montevideo. The weather was great; cool and breezy. Montevideo is a beautiful, clean city with great architecture and nice people. You can tell right away that there is a lot of money in Uruguay. Punto del Diablo, where we spent christmas , was a great little fishing town with a lot of hostels. We had little huts, each 4 beds. Most days were spent cooking delicious seafood and fish and hanging out on the beach even though it was rather cloudy. We came back to Montevideo for New Years and then it was back to Paraguay. Coming back was not as hard as I expected. It felt good to be back even tough stepping off the plane was like stepping into a sauna!

One thing I wanted to talk about was frustrations. I was looking through my journal the other night at entries from one year ago and comparing my frustrations with what was going on now. It is really interesting to see the difference. This time last year I was dealing with cultural issues, language issues, work issues, not really seeing how I fit into things, or why I was even there! Some of the things that used to get me so angry seem so small now. Also, though I still get frustrated I dont think it is at the same magnitude as it was in those first months, nor do I feel like I am going through so many ups and downs. I'm not trying to say that everything is absolutely wonderful and everyday I am the picture of pure bliss, but things are just better and I have hit my stride.
I was looking through my journal during a very frustrating day. One of my neighbors across the street had just come back from the centro de salud to get checked out. She had been having bad headaches, fatigue and overall feeling pretty bad for a couple weeks now and I finally talked her into going to get it checked out. She came back and the doctor had told her she has very high cholesterol and told her she had to change her diet. As sad as it is to say, I was not surprised. I have harped on the eating habits of people in my community and have made it one of my objectives to work on this problem in a sustainable and succesful fashion.
We sat and drank terere for a while and discussed the matter. I explained to her exactly what cholesterol is, where it is found in food, and how we can counteract it. It seemed that the doctor didn't go over these basic facts and told her to just eat less fried food (thanks, doc). So once it was cleared up we went over the basics: Less meat, you dont need to eat meat every day, more beans, there are plenty of beans in her field for months worth of eating, less oil, don't eat torillas everyday, don't use pigfat when you have to use oil, use vegetable oil or others, eat much more fruits and vegetables. At this point I told her we needed to build her garden. She had been putting it off for months, I have offered to basically build it for her and get her started with seeds but she continues to give excuses. Then, after we went over all of this she gives me the excuse of 'well I'm just poor, I can't help it.' Now, I have heard this before, and this one comment really gets me fuming. Sure, one could say that I have no right to say anything since I do not live like she does and am not poor like she is. But I know people who are just as poor as her, if not more poor, who are doing amazing things in their fields, in their gardens, eating a much more varied diet and living healthier lives. When I hear people use the excuse of being poor I look at it as a cop out. My neighbor, Ña Maria who you all know very well by now, is just as poor as this other woman but her garden is amazing. She is eating much healthier and her family is all the better for it. I pointed this out to this woman and she shrugged it off. I told her just because she is poor doesnt mean she has to eat tortillas everynight or buy pigfat instead of oil. She has beans and corn and vegetables in the field, she basically has a garden for free if she wants. Yet still, she blames being poor and did not want to change.
I had to leave, I was fuming. I didn't let her see how upset I was over it, but I think she could tell I was a bit peeved. Here is a woman who has a serious health problem and young children to take care of and is not willing to change her life for the better. Why not? I could help her with all of this but she just wants to continue on with the way things have been going, even though they are obviously not going well.
I talked to ña Maria about it and she gave a little chuckle and said that the woman was just lazy. I didn't want to believe that. To me this woman is suffering from a poverty much darker and harder to get out of than any lack of money or material goods. This woman lacks self confidence, she feels that she does not have the ability to get herself out of the situation life has thrown at her, she has more or less a fatalistic view of life; she is poor and there is nothing she can do about it. These are the hardest people to work with. Having little money or material goods or land but having confidence in one's own self and knowing that one can change their lives if they work hard is not poverty at all in my opinion. These are the people it is easy to work with, they are usually succesful in what they do and if not they are able to pick themselves up and try again. People like this woman are very, very hard to work with. How can I show her she can do it? How can I make her believe in herself? I don't know. These are things that one has to find for themselves. And that makes it so hard for me. I want her to be succesful, I want her to be healthy, I want her to show her children how to eat right and live healthy lifestyles.
And this was all going through my head as I was pacing back and forth in my little house in front of a fan sweating buckets. And finally I just had to let go. I told myself that this was her life, her life choice, and that I could not make her believe in her ability to change her life. She had to do it. I wish there was a better answer to it all, but I dont think there is. Maybe there is? But I can't beat myself up over it.
So, as of now, I still talk to her about eating now and then, I ask her whats for lunch, when she wants to build the garden. I figure for now I will just be that annoying little voice that naws away one piece at a time until she gives in. But I have also decided that I cannot let it get to me so much. It is her life, not mine.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the type of frustration I deal with now in site. Different then dealing with not understanding what those guys just said as they looked at me and laughed, no? Okay, what was way too long. Maybe now you all have a better glimpse into the mind of a Peace Corps volunteer.